07Oct- ran across this the other day
I vaguely remember writing it.
C: Good evening.
B: Good evening, sir. How may we help you.
C: I’d like to try something a bit different.
B: Excellent, sir, we specialize in different. Do you have anything in mind?
C: No, not in particular. Is there anything you’d suggest?
B: So glad you asked. (reaches underneath bar and brings up a bottle, which he presents to CUSTOMER) Here we have Dingo's Cuss, a shiraz from the outskirts of Pemberton, Australia. Fascinating thing about this is that its 12 hectares of vineyards are planted above an ancient Aborigine burial ground.
C: Ancient Aborigine burial ground?
B: Yes, its roots dig deep into the mysticism of their culture. Touch of bramble on the nose, lovely, plump mouth feel and a long, pervasive finish that, if you're in the right state of mind, will wake you up suddenly in the middle of the night experiencing what the Aboriginal grape-pickers call "Terroir sweats". They say it’s some sort of outback, mystical revenge, I call it character.
C: Sounds dreadful.
B: Quite right, sir. Delightfully so. I don’t think you’d be disappointed.
C: Well, I hardly think I’d ever be in the mood for the juice of fruits fed by a bed of dead-man casserole, whether they be mystical or not. I don't think I'm ready for that.
B: Few are. Few are. For the less sacrilegious palette might I suggest this Pouilly-Fume from Domaine Silence. (puts away the bottle and brings up another one) Each grape is hand-picked in total silence by mimes.
C: Hmm? Yes? And what does this noiseless harvest impart to the wine?
B: I’m glad you asked, sir. This wine is so expertly, so carefully made that not a single taste, nary a flavor remains in it. Not even the hint of a bouquet.
C: (indignant) What’s the point, then?
B: Sir, it’s not at all easy to achieve this effect. Much like the pianist who has such control that he can play an entire sonata, pressing each key to its fullest, and not a sound can be heard, this wine is a shining example of talent and restraint. And a bargain at $25 dollars a glass.
C: $25! For a glass of water made by mutes?
B: Ah, ah. Mimes. World of difference.
C: Not- to me. Next, please. It may take a quiet person to make it but it would certainly take a dumb one buy it.
B: How very droll, sir. I shall have to remember that one. (puts away bottle and brings up another one) Perhaps something a little more like this? It's called Indulgence. It's a California wine made in so pure a French, old-world style that the vignerons have gone so far as to import actual French soil from the Languedoc region to their property.
B: It doesn't end there. Each vine comes from a pre-phylloxera, original, non-cloned plant. The vineyard is carefully situated on hills landscaped to mimic the soil's native topography and a monstrous geodesic dome has been erected over the entire vineyard in which carefully designed weather machines help to re-create a very specific terroir.
C: Why didn't they just stay in France?
B: The owners are local to California. And are afraid to fly.
B: The story continues, for the family that owns Indulgence can never leave their dome, for if they do, they are sure to be assassinated by one of the many snipers the Mondavis have hidden in the hills.
C: Fascinating. And the wine itself?
B: Not that great.
C: (frustrated) Not that great! Then why even offer it?
B: It's got a hell of a back story.
C: Well, what do you have that is great, not grown in the final resting place of an indigenous peoples or so carefully produced that it tastes of nothing?!
B: My, you do have a discriminating palette. Why don't you tell me what you'd like me to present you with and we'll see what we can do?
C: Very well. How about something from Bordeaux?
B: What region?
C: Paulliac, if possible.
B: Absolutely possible. And have I got something you should appreciate. Deep within the bowels of the special cellar, tucked safely away under the '61 Bordeaux, there lives a '45 Chateau Latour.
C: (instantly interested) Yes?
B: Truly amazing.
B: Layered more densely and complexly than the strata of the earth.
C: (more interested) Yes?
B: So warm and rich with a pleasant vegetal touch to it.
C: Sold! I don't care how much it is; I'll take it.
B: (with a flourish) J'reviens! (leaves through the door, returns a moment later, empty-handed) I'm afraid we're out.
C: Oh, for crying out loud! (throws up hands and leaves.)