05 September 2006

My silly, florid beer descriptions
as of sept 05

Ayinger Bräu-Weisse -unfiltered wheat ale- Bavaria
500 ml
"Bananas." he thought. "That's the nuance to the Ayinger." Stark white cumulus clouds hung heavy above him and they reminded him of the surprisingly heavy and aromatic head his Ayinger had poured earlier that day. "I guess that's the Bavarian ale yeasts people talk about." As his back came into rough contact with the pavement he decided it was more odd that he'd slipped on a banana peel than it was for his beer to smell like one.

Baltika #6 Porter Russia
500 ml
Her eyes cut into me as she poured her #6. It was as dark as her hair and her heart and she eased a finger up the side of the glass to catch an errant drip of froth that had spilled over. I looked away as she licked her finger clean. I drank my own #6 and tried to lose myself in its coffee and chocolate bitterness but my own bitterness was distracting. I hate her so much. But don't tell her I said that.

B.B. Bürgerbräu -Lager- Czech Republic
As she crested the hill her shoulders ached under the weight of the pole, from each side of which was suspended a bucket of water. She wanted to stop, put down the buckets and, as she surveyed the Czech countryside that stretched out beneath her, drink deeply from the bottle of Bürgerbräu she'd brought. The lager's clean finish and mildly hoppy taste would've slaked the thirst that her day's labors incurred as she trekked back and forth between her village and the well. She tossed her hair from in front of her eyes and figured she'd better just pay the water bill.

St. George Porter Hampton, Virginia
This porter's a sort of
a dark beer, you see,
as methinks all drinks
should aspire to be.
It's malty and not paltry
on notes of caramel.
with not much, but a touch
of chocolate, as well.
So sample this ample
and tasteful dark brew.
We're fortunate to apportion it
and offer it to you.

Singha Thailand
If spiciness were water then it’s the monsoon season in my mouth. Marvelous, truly marvelous and there’s only one beer that can trip the light fantastic with my taste buds at this point. Only one lager that deserves to share the stage with the flavor cabaret on my tongue. Anything less than a Singha now would be making Martha Graham do the Hokey Pokey. $4.75

Harp Ireland
In the distance a lonely dog barked. In the foreground cars rolled quietly past me in the grainy, drizzly evening. To the right of me I think there were more cars. And in my hand, oh, in my hand the elixir to the poison that was my day… $3.75

Sapporo Japan
They said it would be fun. “Get in this suit, we’ll fill it up with air and you can sumo wrestle!” This to a man who sprained his ankle during the pivotal last few seconds of a heated game of hopscotch. If I ever get out from under this guy I’m getting a Sapporo. $3.75

He’Brew Messiah Bold USA
She leaned against the bar like an art deco sculpture: long, lithe and sensuous. She was recounting the myth of Sisyphus to the bartender, gesturing elegantly with one hand and holding a beer in the other. I could make out its label between her fingers and remembered that it made me laugh every time I read it. If she liked the beer half as much as I did I could see a future between us. $3.75

Budweiser and Bud Light USA
Mr. Randall Oxley popped open his Bud and waxed rhapsodic on his current romantic imbroglio. His descriptions were urbane yet ribald and as his companion chortled good naturedly he opened his own beverage. The sound of his Bud Light answered that of the Bud. “What should I do?” Oxley asked. “Oh, my good man,” responded Lord Ottombottom, “what shouldn’t you do?” $3.75

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